Me, myself & my anger

So I went to iSmash this past weekend .. it’s a place where basically you get to destroy a bunch of shit. I mean throw wine glasses against a wall, break vases with a bat or sledgehammer, and bang an old keyboard so hard against the floor that it breaks in half.

It was AWESOME. 

Honestly, I can’t wait to go back. And I can’t wait to take my daughter when she’s older because it will be such a GREAT place for her to get some anger out.

She’s a manifestor, like me, meaning that anger is a pretty big part and learning how to navigate through that in an effective and healthy way is crucial. Punching bag at home, yelling into pillows, hitting the bed or pillows .. that sort of thing will be a must in this household. 

And there’s a reason I am so determined to help her embrace this part of herself rather than try to shut it down and that’s because that is exactly what I did and it was totally unhelpful. 

But let’s back up a bit because being there had me thinking about my own relationship with anger and the wild journey that has been.

So I use to say .. I’m not an angry person. 

I clung to this belief.

I would tell others, oh yeah I just don't get angry that easily.

It was like this badge of honor for me.

And when I think about it now, I’m like WTF. What does that even mean? And why is it so important to me that I’m not seen as an angry person. Which btw was a HUGE reason I clung to that for so long.

Then I learned that my type in human design is a manifestor, and with that can come anger. Like a lot of anger. And immediately I thought, well then I can’t be a manifestor. Because I just don't resonate with that. Like, I don't feel angry so this has to be wrong.

The truth was that I was just so disconnected from my anger.

You know how in Inside Out, the other emotions put Sadness in a circle .. well I not only did that with my sadness I also put my anger in it’s own little square. 

THAT is how disconnected I was from this very human emotion.

Learning this (and one other thing I’ll mention in a second) was what nudged me to really take a look at my relationship with anger.

So that other thing .. along with thinking I’m not an angry person, I also firmly believed that was not one that held grudges.

Welllll I was wrong. Grudge might be a strong word but I can definitely hold on to things.

It was a friend that actually pointed this out to me. And oooof it was tough to hear.

I was talking about how something that happened literally more than 10 years ago at this point. The details aren’t really relevant. What is relevant is that not only did I remember it, but I actually still got worked up about it and felt heated when I was talking about it. And this is when my friend was like, ummmm .. maybe you should talk to your therapist about that. Totally called me out and honestly so grateful she did. 

I mean this happened over a decade ago. And I was like, huh, welllll damn.

Then it was like a domino effect because I started to notice there was a theme.

When it was a memory that had anger involved, I would still very much feel that anger when I thought about it. Versus when I recall other memories, I don't necessarily have that happen.

Not that an emotion doesn't get stirred up in me, but it’s not as intense as when it’s something that really bothered me or pissed me off.  When I go to recall those memories, I can almost feel that anger in my body. 

Now that I’ve had some time to reflect and navigate through my own beliefs and narratives around anger PLUS where they stem from, I’m realizing that I have held onto these things because I've never really had an outlet to express those feelings. I never allowed myself to fully navigate through the anger I felt at the time or say the things that I truly wanted to say so it just got stuck inside and festered.

And of course that shit has an impact on you.

Now it’s not that I never let my anger out, I was just very particular about when I did. And that’s when I drive. I use to joke .. I’m not an angry person, but if you piss me off when I'm behind the wheel, oof, I let it all out.

Okay okay, not full on road rage where I’m getting out of the car or starting fights or anything but definitely yelling and name calling kind of thing. 

Because in this scenario the other person doesn't have to hear it. It’s just me alone in my car. So no one gets ‘hurt’ by my anger. 

What I finally realized is that I never learned how to navigate this anger inside me. And I also needed to learn that yelling wasn’t the ONLY option which often led to hurtful things being said and that was the absolute last thing I wanted to do. But I was also coming to realization that what I was currently doing wasn’t working either. 

So I started unpacking all the beliefs and narratives (ya know, the unhelpful ones) that revolved around anger.

It's been a very interesting journey and I want to share a few things that I have learned along the way ..

First of all, anger is an emotion. So you can experience anger without being an angry person. This was a big hurdle for me. This idea that I can experience and feel anger without labeling myself as an angry person. Anger is an emotion, just like any other emotion that we feel as humans. I will say I have come a longggg way but experiencing anger can still feel uncomfortable for me because I'm not used to like letting myself fully feel it.

Work in progress though, so yay! 🎉

When I first started shifting these narratives and I would start to feel angry .. I would only let it get to a certain point, and then was like, nope, we're done. That's all. Because the story I was telling myself was that ‘if I let myself fully feel it, I am going to explode. I'm going to take it out on everyone around me.’ 

Which brings me to my second thing .. just because you’ve been telling yourself a story for so long does NOT mean you have to continue to let that be your story. It’s not easy to shift these stories, not at all. But it is 10000% possible.

And the final thing because this is getting long so I want to wrap it up .. you can absolutely teach yourself new and more effective ways to navigate your anger (or whichever emotion you may need to reevaluate your relationship with). 

Do I wish that I was taught this when I was younger? Abso-fucking-lutely. Which means that there is also some grief to hold space for as well. Sadness that younger Kirsten didn’t have the tools she needed so she did what she had to do to survive.

Let yourself grieve. Hold space for those feelings. They are 100000% valid. And no, it doesn’t mean you blame your caregivers. You are simply acknowledging a truth. That’s it. 

Okay one more thing .. I wanted to end on a high note of me sharing an instance of feeling angry and how I dealt with it AND all the things that actually came up for me during the experience. 

It was one morning. My husband had already left for work so it was just me, my daughter, and Penny, our furry child. And to be honest, I don't remember the exact series of events, but I do remember my frustration.

And it kept building, building and building. And I finally reached a point where I thought, if I don't do something to get this out, I'm going to either yell at Penny, who absolutely doesn't deserve it, or yell at my daughter, who also doesn't deserve it. But I was at that point so I paused, took a breath and decided that I was going to try something different.

So I went in, I walked into my room, grabbed a pillow, and literally screamed into the pillow.

It was awesome. And yes, it was totally cathartic.

But then I also had this back and forth going through my head. I was ping ponging between judging myself and feeling guilty since my daughter literally watched me do this. And then also having the thought, why have I never done this before?

I know the judgment and guilt will get less frequent overtime, it’s just that this is so new and unfamiliar for me. 

But I ended with feeling super fucking proud of myself. 

I allowed myself to fully feel that anger AND chose how I wanted to respond.

There is still some fear there but I’m shifting those narratives and not only will I benefit from this but my daughter will too 🤍

So if you have current stories that you’re telling yourself that are just entirely unhelpful, I need you to know that you can rewrite those bad boys 💁🏻‍♀️